A rainy cold Sat.

As I sit here on a cold, cloudy, cold rainy afternoon....I have a fire burning, my dogs snoring beside me and my kitty cat on my lap between me and the keyboard..making it difficult to type, I am watching some old favorite movies on TV, (as good as it gets, gone in 60 seconds, raising Arizona).....I am relaxing thinking about the salmon I am going to make for dinner and waiting for my family to return. The boys are on dry land now and spending the night in Florida before coming home tomorrow. Finally. It feels as though they have been gone a really, really loooooong time.

I think I am more upset with my Dr's and their making me stay here now than when they made that call.

I really had no choice...if I wanted to get accepted to *the list* (we need a name for that)......... I hate not having choices and it is my usual M O to look for anyway around not having a choice until I find one I like. I am actually very good at that. There is no black and white in my mind just many shades of grey with different ways of looking at them, hence different choices......one can lead to another making life interesting. I never really understand when people say well, it is this way or that and they don't even LOOK or SEE the options that are right in front of them.....

Back to the Transplant Team....now, they DO see everything in black and white. Which makes it very hard for someone like me to play on the same team with them. They like people to just follow whatever directions they tell them. Never questioning, well what about this or that????

I know that staying here make it easier for them to get the tests done and see the Dr's I needed to be seeing which leads to seeing the Surgeon this week and hopefully get on the list by Friday.

BUT, in my heart I know that it would have been better for my overall being to have been on that ship with friends, family, relaxing, laughing, having fun, having new experiences together and creating life long memories for us than for me to have been on the list by Friday.

I would have been fine with not being on the list for another week or too and my soul and spirit would have been much calmer, happier and ready for all that is to come. (I also believe this helps your physical body as well)

I will let it go now as there is no undoing it but that is how I feel about it. It was a very big deal to me.